How to help your children navigate the outcome of their choices. 

Choices come with consequences, either positive or negative. A negative consequence, particularly one that results in friction in a relationship, requires repair. In this blog, we will discuss ways to encourage children to repair relationships on their own. 

Why Relationship Repair Matters More Than “Sorry”

Many children are taught to say “sorry.” But a quick apology, especially when forced, doesn’t automatically heal hurt feelings or rebuild trust.

Relationship repair teaches children:

• Accountability

• Empathy

• Courage

• Responsibility for impact

Watching children make choices can be hard. As adults, our lived experiences can often predict the outcome of our children’s decisions. Watching a child make a mistake can be heartbreaking.  As parents, we are hard-wired to intervene and rescue our children from feeling discomfort. When we rescue our children, we prevent them from growing through failure. Failure promotes resilience and confidence for the future.  

What to do when a choice results in a negative outcome?

• Stay calm. Sharing your feelings of concern, angst, or anger amplifies a child’s emotions. 

• Be reflective. Ask questions:

  • What happened? Who was affected?

  • What did you want to happen?

  • What would you like to see happen now?

• Create space for dialogue. When asking questions, give time for a child to process and share their own thinking. Asking questions in rapid-fire leads to defensiveness and shut-down. Creating space leads to a better understanding of a child’s thought process and creates opportunities for validation. 

• Separate the child from the choice.  You can admonish the choice but validate the child.  “That was a poor choice, but you are my precious child, and I love you.”

• Allow for logical consequences.  Connect a consequence to the choice. For example, forgetting homework can result in speaking to a teacher or getting a poor grade. 

In our next blog, we will discuss how to reflect on consequences and repair relationships.

Building Strong Kids: The importance of choice

Choice is a fundamental part of life.  Empowering children to make wise choices has tremendous benefits. Children who are capable of making choices in their daily lives often have a better sense of self-efficacy and confidence, which, of course, leads to stronger, more confident adolescents. How to build choice opportunities for children:

• Start Small- Offer small choices throughout the day.  For example, let children choose  between cereal or waffles  for breakfast.  Or let the child pick a part of their outfit- let them choose the color socks they wear or the shirt they wear.  Note: Offer controlled choice limiting options- start with two options.  Offering unlimited choice can be overwhelming, and can lead to anxiety and shut-down.

• Offer specific praise to the child, praising the choice they made.  "It looks like you made a good choice for breakfast this morning."

• Articulate the choice to other adults in front of the child.   "_______" chose his/her breakfast this morning. Whenver possible, articulate this praise in front of the child so that he/she can see that their autonomy is noticed by others and matters within the family unit. 

• If offering choice in any capacity is new to your family, start small, perhaps one or two choices a day. 

In the next blog, we will explore how to scale up choices and how to get children to articulate their decision making process. 

Building Strong Kids: The importance of choice

Choice is a fundamental part of life.  Empowering children to make wise choices has tremendous benefits. Children who are capable of making choices in their daily lives often have a better sense of self-efficacy and confidence, which, of course, leads to stronger, more confident adolescents. How to build choice opportunities for children:

• Start Small- Offer small choices throughout the day.  For example, let children choose  between cereal or waffles  for breakfast.  Or let the child pick a part of their outfit- let them choose the color socks they wear or the shirt they wear.  Note: Offer controlled choice limiting options- start with two options.  Offering unlimited choice can be overwhelming, and can lead to anxiety and shut-down.

• Offer specific praise to the child, praising the choice they made.  "It looks like you made a good choice for breakfast this morning."

• Articulate the choice to other adults in front of the child.   "_______" chose his/her breakfast this morning. Whenver possible, articulate this praise in front of the child so that he/she can see that their autonomy is noticed by others and matters within the family unit. 

• If offering choice in any capacity is new to your family, start small, perhaps one or two choices a day. 

In the next blog, we will explore how to scale up choices and how to get children to articulate their decision making process. 

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