Therapists grieve, too.
Even as a therapist, I have to remind myself that our nervous systems carry stories, losses, and traumas. For me, October 7th is always a hard date. It is the date that my father passed away four years ago. It is also the birthday of my best friend for over 30 years. As I approach this date, I have parts that feel overwhelming and freeing, another part that feels stuck and wronged, all while knowing that time moves too fast and that the world keeps turning with or without him.
I remember the call that my dad’s ex-wife made to me asking me to forfeit my father’s last wishes, just for the sake of money. I remember the court petitions it took to get him properly buried, the visions of his body in a freezer, the court depositions and mediation that took me away from my babies. I remember that I fought hard and in the end he is resting as he wished. I know he is proud. I will continue to use that mantra, as my automatic negative thoughts try to undo the work I have done. I will stamp it again and again in my brain: “You did all you could have done, he is proud, you gave it your all, he is in peace.”
This year, my family will bake a cake, then sing some songs. We will listen to 3 Doors Down, knowing that he is no longer flying around the world on a jet, but instead living with eternal peace. We will water the tree we planted in his honor. We will remember the journey with all of the hardships, the pain parts, the hurt parts, and the joy filled parts. We will remind ourselves of peace that he now feels. PEACE is what I have to hold onto! Traditions help us grieve, remember, celebrate, and continue to heal!
What traditions have you developed? How do you cope with the muscle memories that we carry knowingly and sometimes subconsciously? Grief is sneaky! I know for me it’s the smells of Johnson & Johnson Baby Wash, burnt cheese toast, or patchouli.
Remember to share! Sharing helps us feel and when we feel, we can release. It is okay to ask for help or even ask for someone to listen. Let’s fight the stigma that suppresses us -together. Remember, we truly are better together. It takes a village to get through this world! We got this! Share with us what traditions, coping skills, and healthy ways you get through these hard times! We all need ways to evolve and heal.
Standing with you!
-Leiah Drew-Hightower
